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The Oatmeal and Jalapeño Portfolio

The Oatmeal and Jalapeño Portfolio

Chris Campbell

Posted September 06, 2023

Chris Campbell


That delightful substance we all need, yet which seems to have a knack for slipping through our fingers like a greased eel.

It is, as Kendall Roy put it in the hit show Succession (don’t worry, no spoilers):

“The lifeblood, the oxygen of this... this... this wonderful civilization that we have built from the mud. The money, the corpuscles of life gushing around this nation, this world, filling men and women all around with desire. Quickening the ambition to own, and make, and trade, and profit, and build and improve.”

But money is also a big, big problem for many.

So much so, people have come to hate it, see it as evil, and even try to avoid thinking about it at all costs.

Who can blame them?

For the average family, the scene is grim: spiraling expenses, kids who raid the pantry like pirates, and a world that keeps upping the ante.

Saving money is like holding water in a sieve.

In times like these, we turn to our colleague Zach Scheidt -- Paradigm’s in-house income expert.

A little bit about Zach…

First, he has seven kids…

So he knows all about money’s disappearing act.

Second, he once juggled millions for the one-percenters…

So he knows how those at the tippy-top not only keep their money, but also keep getting richer.

Third on the list: he (relatively) recently took off his golden handcuffs to become a financial guide for everyday Joes and Janes.

Now, he’s on a mission to share the income secrets of the 1% with whoever will listen.

Here’s why you should know his name.

The Hero’s Journey

In a world where the cost of living keeps auditioning for the role of Mount Everest, what's a man with a family the size of a baseball team to do?

Enter the "Income Matrix," Zach's brainchild. (Or should I say eighth child?)

This blueprint used to be a treasure map for well-heeled clients…

Back when his company’s policy was straightforward: Either you had a million-dollar account, or he would show you the door.

Back then, Zach was the keeper of financial secrets for heart surgeons, oil barons, and even the Coca-Cola heiress. These folks didn't want to hear about market downturns; they wanted to hear the "cha-ching" of a cash register, rain or shine.

Pressure like this either crumbles a man or produces diamonds.

Zach produced a diamond, harnessing only the best strategies under the sun to make his clients bigger returns.


Then Zach reached a moment -- a revelation. Or a crisis.

Maybe both.

The Call to Adventure

He thought, "Why am I making the wealthy wealthier when I could be leading regular folks to the financial promised land?"

Shortly after, he hung up his hedge fund hat, turned in his golden key to the VIP room, and walked into Main Street with a mission.

And not a minute too soon.

Just as he settled into civilian life, COVID and inflation swaggered in.

Even still, it worked.

Zach has spent the past few years proving that these strategies aren’t just for the million-dollar club. They can also be for the bargain hunters, the mortgage jugglers, and the college-savings planners.

And, unlike many gurus out there on the Internets…

Zach eats his own cooking.

The same types of investments he shares with his readers are the ones he uses in his own portfolio, too. 

The Philosophy: Oatmeal and Jalapeños

“At its most foundational level,” says Zach, “I think of my investment approach like a balanced barbell with two very important sides.”

On one side, he's got what you might call the "yawn" investments.

Think of them as the oatmeal of the financial world — not thrilling but warm, wholesome, and predictable. You're not going to wake up to an explosion of wealth, but neither will you wake up broke on the streets, sleeping next to a strange man named Sully.

In a market that's as stable as a house of cards in a wind tunnel, there's something to be said for conservative investments that grow at the pace of a snail on a leisurely stroll.

These are designed to fatten the purse, but without causing any heart palpitations.

And on the other side of the barbell? That’s where things get spicy. 

There, Zach swings for the fences.

High-risk, high-reward.

The kind of trades that could put a Tesla or two in your driveway or, conversely, make you consider a second career as a barista.

These aren't for the faint of heart.

Given his circumstances -- 46 years young, half a soccer team to put through college, and retirement lurking on the horizon like an old friend or foe -- Zach goes for a blend.

Two parts oatmeal, one part jalapeño. Most of his stash is tucked safely into the slow-and-steady wing, but he keeps a slice in the daredevil section for those moon shots.

As the clock ticks and retirement saunters closer, Zach plans to gradually shift the weights on his financial barbell.

More oatmeal, fewer jalapeños.

Zach also conducts a quarterly sit-down with his portfolio.

Adjustments are made, the balance reassessed. It’s not about going full tortoise or full hare, but about adjusting the scales so he's not tipping over into caution or recklessness.

So there it is. 

His financial barbell.

A strategy that's both as serious as a heart attack and as exciting as a roller coaster, adjusted for the seasons of his life.

Zach’s not just sailing; he's navigating.

And, here’s where it gets interesting:

Want to Join His Crew?

Zach’s doing a live “income call” tomorrow.

(Yes, tomorrow. Sorry for the short notice.) 

During these calls, he walks a small group of our readers through his income strategy.

We’ve “piloted” these calls in the past for new readers. They were a slamming success. So our Paradigm heads are doing it again.

Curious? Doubtful? Thumping your desk like a drum roll before the big reveal?


Click the link to get acquainted.

We’ll see you tomorrow.

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